So I went to talk to a doctor today about starting medication. After listing off a few that work well for both anxiety and depression, my doctor ultimately decided to put me on Zoloft. For the first week I’ll be taking a 25mg dose, then after that i will be taking a 50mg dose. After a few weeks I’m supposed to go back and talk about how the medication is working (if it’s helping, making it worse or not doing anything at all). If it’s making it worse or not doing anything at all, we’ll either be increasing the dose or switching to another brand. Here’s to hoping that medication and therapy will ultimately make life easier. I’m looking forward to seeing the effects of the meds and actually be able to be in a happy place. Stay strong xx
I feel like my life is just rapidly spiraling downward. Everything I thought I knew is a lie. Truth has been spoken. And hate has been enforced. Lately I find myself consumed by thoughts of suicide. So much so, that I almost tried to the other night. I refrained, but decided against telling my therapist. I feel like I’m losing more and more control very quickly and I don’t know what to do. I dread the thought of trying medication, because I know it can take a while to find the right one and right dose, but I also know it can increase suicidal thoughts when you first start taking them. If the part of my brain that’s keeping me from actually going through with it starts medication, then what if I actually do it? Then what? Have I really impacted that many people that it would matter? I don’t know. What I do know, is that Monday I might be going to see a doctor to talk about medication. Upate to hopefully come on Monday. Until then. Stay strong, my lovelies. XX
When as customer asks you about scars or cuts that accidentally show, how do you know what to say? I have burn marks on my hand from a few days ago, and a customer asked me what kind of dog I had, and then pointed at my hand. I replied that I didn’t have a dog, that I had cats. And then last week a coworker asked if I had cats, and then pointed to the scars on my arms. Why do people think it’s necessary to inquire about or point out marks on our skin that make us look different? Me having scars does not affect my ability to do my job, but you pointing them out does. Why, you may ask, would pointing my scars out reduce my ability to do my job? Because it sends me into an instant anxiety attack and then I’m shaking and having trouble breathing for the next 30 minutes. So please. If you’re out and see someone with cuts and scars, don’t point them out, don’t stare and don’t ask. Unless they bring it up first, it’s none of your business.
It has been a few months since I have written here. A lot has changed since my last entry. I have been deep in the throws of anxiety and depression, back into a regular routine of self harming, I have applied for grad school, and today, started seeing a new therapist. I used to see the therapist at my university but it wasn’t a right fit and I told myself I could do it on my own. The truth is, I can’t. I took the step to reach out and get help from an outside source. Thankfully my insurance will cover most of it, so we’ll see how it goes. Licensed therapists are not doctors and therefore cannot prescribe meds, so if I decide I want to try meds (as well as therapy) I will need to get a recommendation from my therapist for that. I’m not sure yet if I want to try medication, so for now, I’ll talk it out. Now to go do my “therapy homework.”
Being in recovery from self harm, it’s rare to have good days. I still suffer from depression and anxiety which complicates being in recovery from self harm. So, when I have good days, I cherish them. Today I had graduation practice (I graduate from college tomorrow), my friends and I hunted for fairy doors, and then we discovered a cute coffee/comics/record shop. For the good days, be sure to take a picture, or do something to help you remember that day. It will be helpful for the bad days. Love you all, and stay strong ❤
So this is where I am this morning. It’s Tuesday, May 9, and this Saturday, May 13th, I will be graduating from college with a degree in Spanish. I have been clean from self harm for 78 days, which is roughly 2 and a half months. You would think that with me being 22, it would be longer than 2 months since the last time I cut myself, but you would be wrong. Last night, I had a dream that I was at a lake with a bunch of other people, and someone was going around killing the people that wanted to kill themselves. I was in that group of people that wanted to, so I was sitting by the water waiting when someone else walked up and we started talking. I guess in the dream I was having self harm urges, because I told this person that I wanted to cut myself but that I wasn’t going to because I was about to die anyway. Then Obama walked up and started wading into the water, and then the dream ended. When I have dreams where me in the dream is suicidal and wanting to cut, it really opens my eyes. Because when my waking life follows me into my dreams thats when I know that it’s getting to the point where I need to see my therapist again. Anyway. After I graduate on Saturday, my plan is to take a year off of school (possibly substitute teaching during this time) and then return to school to get my teaching license, and possibly M.A. in Spanish. We will see where life takes me. What about you all? What’s happening in your lives?
Take care xoxo
Well…a big problem actually. So, I have been free from self harm for roughly 2 months now (that’s when the last relapse happened.) But, I have a BIG problem. My scars are beginning to fade, which, lately, I have found to be EXTREMELY triggering. I’ve tried drawing on myself, simulating blood, etc. but none of the “tricks and tips” have worked for me. It’s like, I hate having visible scars that people can and will ask me about, but at the same time I like having them because it’s almost as if they validate what i’ve gone through. Like, I want to be able to see them in private in my room, but I don’t want others to see them. But if they fade and are no longer visible, then it’s like (in my mind at least) my pain wasn’t/isn’t valid?? I don’t know if that makes any sense at all or if i’m just crazy, but can anyone relate? Or give advice on this?