Life happens.

Wow. First of all I don’t even know where to begin. When I started this blog I had every intention of keeping it updated and then life happened. So let me update you guys on what’s happened since my last entry (which was sometime in October-yikes!). First of all, mine and my brother’s beloved cat of 15 years was diagnosed with kidney failure back in January. She passed away in March. I had experienced the loss of a pet before (when I was in high school, my 7 year old cat passed away from hyperthyroidism), but this one hurt way, way worse. Possibly because she had lived twice as long as my other cat, possibly because I’m older so death is more of a reality, I really don’t know. Whatever the reason, losing her caused my recovery to halt in its tracks. I wasn’t completely free of self harm, but I wasn’t cutting 8 times a day any more. I had gotten it down to just around 3-4 times a day, but losing my cat jolted me and I fell back, hard. It’s taken me until now to get myself back on track, and my therapist and I have come up with a goal to be self harm free by June 1st. My reward if I accomplish my goal is treating myself to a new tattoo. I also successfully finished my first semester of graduate school (something that I never even dreamed was possible). I feel like I’m rambling and jumping from topic to topic, but bare with me-it’s just how my brain works. Oh- also since October, 2 more coworkers have moved into the apartment complex I live in (in case I didn’t tell you before, there was already one living here, but recently 2 more have moved in, meaning 3 of my coworkers are now my neighbors). One of my coworker neighbors happens to be one of my managers. He frequently brings his daughter to work on weekends when he has her (she’s 7) so I will typically hang out with her and keep her company while her dad works. Because of this, she now loves me and looks forward to hanging out with me every time she’s in town. I have no problem with this, she’s an awesome kid and is fun to hang out with. What I’m worried about, however, is that now that it’s summer, the pool is open. This means she will want to go swimming when she’s in town. Which creates anxiety for me because her dad (my boss) has no idea about the self harm, so obviously neither does she. And swimming means swim suits, and swim suits mean very visible self harm scars. So. I don’t even know what to do about that. Because she’s 7. So she’s of course going to ask. So yeah. That’s what’s going on in my life right now. I hope I’m able to update you guys again soon, but you know, life happens.

Take care xx

Therapy.

Therapy is one of the hardest things I’ve done. It’s awkward and emotional and sometimes messy. But it’s also one of the best things I’ve decided to do for myself. Yeah it’s awkward and uncomfortable at times, but if it weren’t, then I wouldn’t need it. It helps you process and deal with the hard stuff. I say all this to say, it’s important to be vulnerable with your therapist. It’s important to make sure they know what’s going on in your life so they can help you. But before sharing all the deep, dark secrets, make sure you’ve found a good, trustworthy therapist. You’ll know after a few sessions if they’re a good fit or not. Today marks 5 weeks that I’ve been seeing my therapist and I finally told him something that I know is going to help me make a lot of progress.

For the good days

Being in recovery from self harm, it’s rare to have good days. I still suffer from depression and anxiety which complicates being in recovery from self harm. So, when I have good days, I cherish them. Today I had graduation practice (I graduate from college tomorrow), my friends and I hunted for fairy doors, and then we discovered a cute coffee/comics/record shop. For the good days, be sure to take a picture, or do something to help you remember that day. It will be helpful for the bad days. Love you all, and stay strong ❤